Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Most of my life, I've had this sense that I was given many gifts. I've also had the sense I've wasted them.

Our society is strong on achievement. We hear the terms overachiever and underachiever. I bet anyone reading those words immediately pops a mental image of a particular person. I ask you this; Why did you stick that label on that person?

I'm an overachiever in some areas, and underachiever in others. Doesn't everyone? I bet that person you thought of is like that. This country seems to respect the ones who can measure their achievements in monetary units. Sports figures, especially the ones who break records, or make the big $$. Business moguls, and even the silver spoon super rich, born into wealth are admired, respected, and emulated. Why?

For the longest time, I felt guilt for not wanting more. Something was wrong with me. I didn't care to achieve, but I kept trying anyway. I felt I was born with many gifts, and I owed it to my existence to use them.

Over the years, after much pursuit, thought, evaluation, and acceptence, I realized what I really wanted to achieve;
When I die, I want to have many people attend my funeral, or memorial service. I want a procession of those who knew me, and would miss me. I hear people say, "I don't want tears, I want joy, and partying when I'm gone. A celebration of my life." That's bullshit. I want outright sobbing at mine. I want to have affected people so much, they would miss me that much. It would mean I had a strong connection with those people.

And, the Lamentation of women would be pretty cool too! (Weeping and wailing).

I'll never really know if I did achieve what I want.

Today, I trained clients this morning, walked the dogs with Nancy, and came home to rest. I wasn't feeling very well, a bit feverish. Not really bad, but not my normal energy and strength. I haven't done Yoga in a few weeks, and my body tension/pain is increasing. Yoga is the best anxiety treatment. At least it is for me. It may be the Tropical Storm hanging off our coast. Lately, I really feel the changes in air pressure, especially in my joints.

It's funny; as I get older, I feel I should be taking notes.

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